Avast, Matey!


I won't give up without a fright.

I've been driving around town with my black patch over one eye, so piratical-looking that in all justice I should have a Cutlass. (Maybe a 1964 convertible, with a 442hp engine? Now that's piratical. And not very fuel-efficient, either.)

I subscribe to a travelwriter's group, and responded to a post where someone had a ton of notes from the Far East, and wanted to know about writing a book.

A reply mentioned an Englishman who traveled around Ireland with a refrigerator. I couldn't help but respond:

Now, don't knock Traveling Across Ireland with a Frig (I'm not sure it's the real name, but I found it at the library). It was well-written. It was based on a gimmick, sure, but that's always been true in travel writing.

For example, how about Thor Heyerdahl, trying to cross the oceans on rafts, or papyrus boats? Or Richard Halliburton, the travel writer who swam the pool in the Taj Mahal and died trying to sail across the Pacific in a junk http://www.greenmanreview.com/book/book_halliburton_royalroad.html?

It's like photography. At first it was novel, so photographers took views of what was there--the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, etc. As more and more cameras became available, the focus (pardon the expression) changed to people. Cartier-Bresson, for example, famous kissing couples, etc. Then photographers began looking for something different: extreme closeups, radical images, etc.

I've written freelance for many years, and you always need an angle that's different. I write golf travel, for instance, and it's hard to find something, once you get past the "green grass, blue skies".

That was the end of it.

Hokey Pokey Man

I've seen several announcements of the sad death of Larry La Prise. Actually, having lived to 93 (and died on April 4th, 1996, not, as many recent posts and blogs would have you believe, this year), maybe he was ready to dance to a different drummer.

At any rate, the most traumatic part for his family was placing him into the coffin..... they put his left leg in...and that's when the trouble started.

I don't know how many dances I've been to where they've played the Hokey Pokey. Weddings, children's birthday parties, graduation shindigs...that's a perennial favorite.

It turns out, however, that the Hokey Pokey was featured in a number of legal battles, and if you look at Mr. La Prise's biography: http://larry-laprise.biography.ms/ it may trace back to a Shaker dance called the Hinkum-Booby.

By the way, that seems to be his only song. It appears he worked for the post office in Idaho for most of his life.

King Tut Tut Exonerated

OK, not exonerated, simply found not guilty in this case. 2,500 reporters covering a Made for Media event. Shakespeare said it best (as always)"Much Ado About Nothing." Tabloids of the Air. And not just Fox.

I was looking forward to seeing the first King Tut on the Today show, but the fawning got to me. I'm glad I only have one eye; watching big black gas-guzzling SUVs drive back and forth gets boring after 10 seconds. Watching big white-haired gas-spewing lawyers bleat back and forth gets boring after 1.

We're not the only country that gets caught up in trivia, either. The Arab TV station El Jazeera (sp?) even broke into a program with the report from Santa Maria, Calif., site of the trial. They said Saddaam Hussein wanted his trial moved there.

I was complaining to a friend about how my eye doesn't blink, and we talked about the weights you can attach to your eyelid to draw it closed. He said "You'd better watch out, though. That eyelid will have all kinds of muscle."

I responded, "Oh, great. All I need is iceps."

I See Stars!

Driving home after visiting friends last night, I realized another problem with having one eye that's on the fritz: every head- and streetlight glared. They had lines out from them the way a camera lens does when it's been scored to make stars. That is, there were four different lines at 90 degrees that radiated out from the center. It made it very hard to see.

As a result, I had to drive with my hand in front of my left eye. That stopped the star effect.

The effect is probably caused by the ointment I have to put in every four hours. It makes everything appear soft-focused, like smearing Vaseline on a camera lens. So perhaps that's the cause of the star search.

On my way to my friends' I stopped at Walgreen's and bought some Breathe Right (30 for $14.00. Ouch.), some Bausch & Lomb eyedrops, and some Strydex pads. I asked for astringent pads, to clean the oil off my nose so the Breathe Rights would stay on. Of course, the salesgirls gave me a bottle that didn't work. There went 50 cents down the drain, because the left side stuck and the right side didn't, so I had to throw the bandage away. Phooey.

It was a lovely evening, though, congenial company, a great dinner, and I enjoyed my first touch of the grape in more than a month. Omar Khayyam, he was a friend of mine.

Getting Closer to Normal

I am driving my CRV again. Gingerly, but it's a step in the right direction.

Because of the situation with my left eye, I'm extremely careful. If you're in a rush and get behind me, expect to go the speed limit (frustrating, I know). Take your anti-roadrage pills before getting out there.

But it's wonderful to be free to move about the streets. Walking just doesn't have the same panache.

When I went out for coffee with friends a few days back, I asked the waitress for a straw. Because the drool factor kicks in on the left side of my mouth, a straw makes the act of transferring liquids from cup to lip less likely to slip. Coffee, tea, and a straw...even chicken soup is easier to handle. In my case, it's "Many a sip slips 'twixt the cup and the lip."

The waitress admitted my use of the straw was the first time she'd ever seen it. It makes the act of sippin' a lot easier and a little cleaner, though, so I'll keep right on.

The Breath-Rite strip to open the sinus passage was a first for my doctor, too. The medical community is great at the mechanical repair work, but they don't say much about how a person can deal with the problems of an affliction. I learned more from http://www.bellspalsy.org than I did from the hospital.

Even so, I'm having a huge problem finding a way to protect my left eye and still be able to see. While I was driving the van in the hot weather, I became concerned about keeping the eye moist. I put drops in my eye, but I don't have a way to keep the liquid from evaporating. One doctor gave me a clear plastic cover with foam rubber under it to trap the moisture in the eye--sort of a see-through patch--but it's too small for my eye.

I saw a couple of clear alternatives at the website mentioned above, and stopped in at an optician's to see whether they had anything like that, but no luck. They informed me only an opthalmologist carries such an item, and they didn't have anything like that at the VA. Bummer.

However, a friend stopped over today and commented my left eye is closing better, and my face appears to be beginning to straighten out. I certainly hope she's right.

No Nose is Good Nose

One of the things that happens with Bell's Palsy or Ramsay Hunt is the lack of control over facial muscles. To look at me, it's as if there was a landslide right under my nose. The little line above my upper lip starts the collapse, and it continues down to my chin. This, of course, is caused by the muscles on the left being on vacation.

That results in the sinuses on the left being pulled to the right, so you don't breathe as well through that side. Here's a tip: Use a Breathe-Rite strip on your nose. You've seen them on football players and other athletes. They're a springy material that gives your nose an uplifting experience.

You have to be careful of them, though. Don't peel them off too fast!

When I began trying to use them, I used alcohol to wash the oils off my nose, then soap and water. That was so the adhesive would stick. It didn't work at first: always the right side would pop up. Maybe the right is oilier than the left, eh, George?

Finally I began washing it twice, which worked until the next morning. Yesterday I bought some alcohol, last night used it first twice, then washed with soap and water. As of this morning, it still is holding.

To return to the warning above: If you peel them off too fast, you can take a hunk of skin off with the adhesive. So be careful removing them.

I went grocery shopping yesterday for an hour, and started getting a
little shaky toward the end.

Later, I drove my big old van by myself, only about 6 miles, but it
was in rush hour traffic in 80+ degree weather, and got home safely.
No crushed pedestrians or other autos, and the normal level of anger
and frustration. Ah, the glories of living in the big city. Oh, and
the weather helped me realize that, yes, there is a difference between
saline solution and sweat: Saline doesn't sting!

My left eye is the problem. I keep a patch on it a lot of the time,
because it's out of focus, which makes it hard to read, type, etc.
Plus it is at a constant low level of irritation, or seems to be.

Otherwise, I keep plugging.

My smile is just more lopsided than it was.

In Your Eye

I went for a walk yesterday, in the 85+ degree weather, then loaded my 6.5 hp lawnmower in my van so my girlfriend could use it. (I didn't know the battery was drained, and she wouldn't be able to get the vehicle started. There's a slow leak somewhere that draws off current.)

That was quite a job, especially with a patch. I didn't realize how heavy a big mower like that was when I bought it, but I've learned over the years. I had to put down a plank, and run it up on the left-hand set of wheels.

Then I started sweating under the patch--and over it--so started getting perspiration in my bad eye. Ouch. As a result, when I put drops in every couple of hours, they must pick up some of the sweat, because that first drop always stings.

Oh, any of my friends who have my old Verizon cel number: I closed that out. It just cost too much, at $50 a month or so. Plus the service was lousy, but I was told that's my fault: I hadn't upgraded the software since I got the phone. As a result, the phone didn't have the cel towers that have been constructed since then. So that's why I'd lose calls.

So, now I have a new number, a Minnesota number this time, rather than Calif. I went with Virgin, which requires you keep at $20 every 3 months, but it adds to whatever you've got left. Why pay contract fees if you don't use it that much?

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

At least, having only one fully serviceable eye should make that a lot easier. Of course, not being able to see very well past about 40 feet might make it a little difficult to watch where it's going. No matter: I don't usually hit it very far anyway.

It broke my heart to have this happen in late April. If I'm going to get discommoded, why couldn't it happen in January or February, months that aren't normally conducive to golf in these climes? As it was, I had to turn down two invitations to splendid courses, one the Governor's Open at Madden's Resort in Brainerd, another at the new Giant's Ridge course in Biwabik.

When Jesse Ventura was "The Gov", he referred to the golfing season's introductory media day as "The Jackal Open." There isn't much doubt what he thought about the press. Governor Pawlenty is a little more reserved. He might consider them much the same animal, but keeps his faunic opinions private. Although now that a Minneapolis magazine has splashed his image (computer assisted, of course) wearing only the Presidential seal in a strategic location, he 's liable to start voicing an opinion.

As for me, one of these days I'll get one of my friends to take me over to the driving range to see whether this ailment helps or hinders my golf game.

After all, if I ever shoot my age, I figure that means I'll live to 130.

A Pole Too Far

The Edina, MN, Art Fair seemed like a good venue to walk around and gain stamina, so away we went yesterday. I wore a patch on my left eye, because the wind was blowing dust around and I'm paranoid about getting any grit in that one. It was all right: a lot of the art only deserved one eye, anyway.

I staggered a bit after about an hour, but a minute's rest and I was up and at 'em again. We hung out there for some three hours, and while my friends walked on to look at one last set of booths I leaned against a pole and waited. That was a good idea, but when a lot of people with dogs began walking by I decided to step away from the pole.

When I talked to my mother last night, she said I sounded a lot better. It's funny: when I lean to the left (the paralyzed side), I slur a lot. When I sit up straight or lean to the right, I sound good. I haven't noticed any change in the Bell's Palsy, in terms of getting my face back, but I feel much better.

By the way: The terrible thing about this symptom is that, politically, I usually lean to the left. This particular symptom means I'm going to catch it from my more-conservative friends (Yes, I do have a couple). What can I say? Maybe the Democratic party needs to take lessons from Bells Palsy sufferers on how to enunciate clearly--out of both sides of their mouth.

Eye Problems

Last night it felt as if there were something in the left eye, making it difficult to sleep. This morning the feeling continues. I've been going around without the black Walgreen's eyepatch during the day, only putting it on to sleep, so I suppose I might have gotten something in it.

I've washed it out a couple of times, put drops in and ointment. It seems as if the ointment gets a little thick, so I wonder if that might be part of the problem. I scraped a glob of the ointment off where the lids are stuck together (I use a piece of t.p. folded into an arrowhead, then get that wet so I don't scratch the cornea.) Apparently the ointment is used to keep moisture on the eye for a longer period of time than the drops. I've been waking up every two hours, though, and put drops in almost by habit.

I found an interesting site about one man's recovery from Bell's Palsy at http://www.jimpowers.com/other1.htm#Diary%20of%20Bell's%20Palsy. He does almost a day-by-day update of how it hit him. Another active person (he was 48) who got blindsided by this condition. However, I have Ramsay Hunt, which is a more virulent version.

Another diary of how it affects you is at http://www.asisna.com/users/brishsew/bells.html.

Friends last night said I sounded better. No longer am I the king of drool. I have been looking at my smile every morning to see whether there are any more teeth showing than there were yesterday. This flesh curtain only parts to allow the right side of my teeth to show. I'm hoping there will be more teeth unveiled as time goes by.

So, things continue apace.

The Eyelid Stitches are Out

Yesterday, first thing in the morning, I went to the VA to have the stitches taken out of my left eyelid. I thought the procedure would be to glue my eyelid shut. I was wrong.

Apparently when they were sewing on me, they also scraped part of the eyelids. Holding them together with the stitches allowed them to heal together. As a result, only two/thirds of my eye is visible. When (If?) the nerves on that side of my face come back to normal, they will separate the eyelids with a !scalpel! Yikes.

At least now I can scratch the itches. I certainly couldn't do that when there was foam rubber keeping the stitches from pulling through the eyelid. I looked as if I had tiny marshmallows on the outside of the lid. I still don't look particularly attractive, but at least I can see better.

I still must put drops in that eye every couple of hours, but the doctor did say I could drive. That's a plus. Normality, here I come. Eventually.

I've been looking for writing jobs on the internet. Whether an employer will hire someone my age with a somewhat disfigured eye is another question.

Better Living Through Chemistry

I came out of the hospital, and one of the pills the doctors gave me to use if I needed it was Oxycontin. I didn't realize that was highly desirable as a narcotic--a recent TV news report said they sold for $26 a pill on the street (as of Nov., 2005, they were selling for $80, with the next step up being heroin)--but didn't want to take anything other than Tylenol/acetominophen.

When I went into the doctor's Monday, he asked if I'd been having any pain. I told him, "Not much. I take a Tylenol when I have some. In fact, I haven't even taken any of those Oxymorons you gave me."

He told me I should get some earwax remover to get my left ear canal open. My last run-in with that stuff left me in pain: the bottle was the same size and shape as the eyedrops I'd been given. Within minutes of returning from the hospital after my operation, I had grabbed that bottle and dropped some in my eye!

Sting? Boy, I'll say. I washed it out thoroughly, and my girlfriend raced me to the VA urgent care, where they washed it out some more. The doctor there assured me it hadn't done any permanent damage, and regaled me with a story about a woman who had put her fingernail glue in her eye. At least I didn't feel totally stupid...only mostly.

So be very careful when doing anything with your eyes. Paint the bottles different colors, if they are the same shape. You don't need permanent problems because of a mistake.

As for the blisters on my head, my girlfriend suggested I wipe them with essence of lavender. Just the essential oil. I did so, and the blisters appear to have disappeared. Wonderful stuff.

Some good news.

At least there's some good news today: I got back the hearing in my left ear. It's not perfect, but any note in a storm.

That's balanced by what appears to be small blisters on my head, and into my left ear. Might it be the reoccurrence of shingles? Lord, I hope not. Now I've got to make an appt. at the VA to see what it is. Bummer.

The final bill from the hospital--which the VA is working with me on--came to over $25K. That's for an operation, and three days in the hospital. Monday I did nothing but wait until it was time for the operation, Mon. night in the ICU, Tues. in the ward, and out Wed. It was almost $7K for the first day...and that didn't include the operation! Woof. Healthcare is out of sight.

Stay well. Stay fit. Stay lean. The doctor at the VA told me I was in better shape than a lot of 40 and 50 year olds, which may be one reason I healed so fast.

I just hope my nerve heals fast also.

A Day After the Bad News.

A year, the doctor said yesterday, before I "might" get back full functionality from my facial nerves.

Today, he explained that nerves grow back at a rate of 1mm a day, and that I'd lost 80-100mm. To me, that means 2.5-3 months for regeneration. So perhaps a year is very conservative; I mean, I was teasing the nurses in the recovery room at the hospital within 15 minutes of coming out of the operating room. While I was in ICU, I didn't use morphine. And once I was in the wards, I only asked for acetominophen. Plus, they said most people were in the hospital 5-7 days, whereas I left the third day. My hope, of course, is that I'll heal as quickly.

I asked the doctor about various vitamins and minerals that could affect nerve growth. These included Citicoline, Retinoic Acid, and Nerve Growth Factor. The Bell's Palsy website suggested that B1, B6 and B12 were helpful, so I've been tailoring my diet toward those. Lots of fruits and vegetables, eggs, cheese, beans, etc. I don't know whether a diet supplement would help or not.

The doctor responded that he felt prayer was a better alternative than any vitamins or minerals. Of course, doctors don't usually pay a lot of attention to such things.

One website I have read suggested using heat on the affected nerves, to help them heal faster.

This Treacher Body.

I woke up one morning in late April, and the left side of my face had developed a weird little quirk: it didn't quirk. It had gone numb. I couldn't blink. All the lines had disappeared from that side of my face (sort of a poor man's Botox), and my upper lip seemed to drift off to the right (since the muscles on the left had gone numb).

Smiling after the palsy.










(May, 2008. Three years later. My face has recovered somewhat, but my smile is still crooked.)

My left hand was alright, and I could walk normally, so I knew it wasn't a stroke. In fact, I had suffered something called Bell's Palsy (www.bellspalsy.org), an attack on my number 7 facial nerve by a virus--possibly chickenpox from when I was a kid, or perhaps herpes.

I'm 62, 6'3", and 205 pounds (when this started). I've always been blessed with splendid health, playing both volleyball and golf, walking, biking, etc. In fact, the last time I spent any time in a hospital was when I was 18 and in the Navy, and both times it was because of falls while roller skating. (Two front wheels rolled past me, and I wondered "What poor bastard..." at which point my toestop hit the floor and as I stretched out toward the hardwood I realized who the aforementioned poor bastard was.)

After a visit to Urgent Care at the VA hospital in Minneapolis, I was put on antibiotics. When I visited my primary care provider the next Tuesday, they immediately shipped me up to the fifth floor ward and put me on IVs. This was followed by an MRI, audiology, and the works.

Friday they let me out of the VA, with orders to return to a local hospital on Monday for a possible operation on my head. Monday I was put in the hospital and was operated on at 6:30p.m. It was quite the operation: they cut a 3.25" square in my head, lifted my brain, then drilled the nerve channel a little larger, and put Humpty together again. By 10 I was in recovery, spent the night in Intensive Care, and two more days in that hospital.

Here it is, two weeks after the operation. I have since had my left eye sewn mostly shut, to protect the cornea (after all, the eye doesn't blink). Next week I may get it glued shut, and the stitches removed. I wear a black patch, and look like a Pirate of the Caribbean (and because of the eye I can't drive).

My visit to the surgeon today resulted in learning it might take me up to a year to recover fully, if then. My hearing is off, possibly because of blood in the ear canal, as is my balance.

I've got invitations to two golf-related events I won't be able to get to now, but worse than that, I don't know how I can work. That will require negotiating the shoals of disability, unemployment insurance, perhaps early retirement.

So, this is the start of my odyssey. My body, reliable for so many years, let me down a little bit. My RVgolfing days appear to be taking a rest, as well.

If you're interested in RVing, and have the itch to travel to different sections of the U.S., you might check out the Adventures of Tioga and George, at http://vagabonders-supreme.net/blog/blog.html. George is an effervescent man who, when he learned his cancer was in remission, went out with a handful of money and bought himself a Tioga. He hasn't slept at home since.

George has a Team with him, in addition to Ms. Tioga. He has Mr. Sony Mavica, for example, who seems always to be able to take a rear-view shot of George looking at some site or other. Oh, there are shots of George from the front as well. And every day he adds these and comments about where he has breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus--often--his menu for those repasts.

It's Travels with Charley: In Search of America, without Charley. John Steinbeck might be a better writer than George, but for those of us forced by life's situation to stick in one place, his Adventures stoke wanderlust.

Have you seen www.RVGolfermagazine.com? It's out there.

http://www.golftransactions.com/aboutgpa.html is for those folks who perform the business of golf, as opposed to the pleasure (or pain) of it. They issue a daily newsletter that updates the industry on who's doing what with which merchandise where. And when.
Treetops Resort in Michigan, for example, is scheduled to host a made-for-tv golf "Survivor" type show, during which the competitors attempt to game each other out of their play. As I understand it, every program one of the players is chosen to be erased from the game.
Here's the conundrum: If the object is to have a winning team, then the team will vote to eject the weakest member. But if it's a contest between individuals, the players will vote to eject the strongest member. (After all, why would you want to play against a great golfer when you could compete against a duffer?)
The teams, then, would offer much better golf than individual contests.
The tv production companies and networks love these types of shows because they're a lot cheaper than something that takes skill or craft (writers, actors, etc.), and they often sell just as much soap as a good show. When they can take the group to New Zealand or the Amazon, they can pay even less for a local camera and sound crew and advertise the exotic location.

Golf Trails have become a booming business since the Retirement Systems of Alabama pension fund decided to promote Robert Trent Jones-designed courses on a 100-mile stretch of highway.

Now reaching eight courses, with championship par 3s available on all of them, they're affordable ($35 for locals, no more than $60 for tourists) and they draw thousands of tourists a year.

It gives golfers something to do with their spare time other than just play a game.

http://www.rtjgolf.com/ Robert Trent Jones Trail. When I tried this earlier, nothing appeared.

http://www.travelgolf.com/departments/editorials/trent-jones-trail.htm

The genius behind the idea of a golf trail appears to me to take advantage of the guilt Americans feel when they play. If the goal is to play all the courses designed by a certain architect, or those in a certain area of the country, well, that gives it the semblance of work, and that makes it respectable.

Here are just a few more golf trails:

http://www.niagaraparksgolftrail.com/ Niagara Parks Trail.

http://www.audubontrail.com/ The Audubon Trail in Louisiana.

http://www.lewisandclarkgolftrail.com/ Lewis and Clark in North Dakota.

The book was "Round Ireland With A Fridge", by Tony Hawks.