Identity Theft Welcome Here

Here I am, 62 years old, balding, a scar outlining an escape hatch on the side of my head that covers four titanium screws in the side of my head (if titanium were steel, I'd sport refrigerator magnets), 1.5 eyes and a pirate's patch, a good eye that waters in sympathy whenever the bad one wails (which makes driving at night great fun), out of work since the end of April, weak from operations, enforced bedrest and thus lack of exercise, debts piling up... Heck, if someone wants that identity, they're welcome to it.

Especially if that means I'd get a younger, stronger body, a fresh dose of testosterone (not too much, please), good health, and a second chance. I'll keep the sense of humor, the things I've learned over the years, the friends and family, a few other pertinent elements.

So it's "all systems go" on their taking over my identity. Now, access to my assets? That's another story. They can kiss my assets goodbye: I'll keep them. Not that there's much, but at least they're things I've earned.

Now, my golfing identity is another thing entirely. I enjoy getting out and wandering around on the course, schmoozing with my buddies. My game is not very good.

I am determined to someday shoot my age, because that absolutely guarantees I'll live to 130.

Gee. Maybe I'll keep this identity after all.